How to Be a Journalist When Talking to People Scares You

"I am consistently haunted by a fear that has plagued me since grade school: that social anxiety will always keep my life small. A journalist is bold and adventurous; the world is theirs."

There’s the image of the reclusive writer typing away in complete solitude, a perfect job for an introvert. A job where one’s inner world is everything. A job that would be safe for someone like me.

A journalist, on the other hand, is a writer unleashed, roaming the outside world. The job is fueled by connection because stories cannot be written in a vacuum. It is all about knowing people, which is not something I am good at. The job description might as well be written specifcally to torture me in some sort of Good Place-esque hell: phone calls, strangers (so many strangers), asking people things, bothering people who don’t respond right away, approaching strangers in public, occasionally getting hate mail because you made people mad with what you wrote…

Some days I wonder why I bother trying to be “something I’m not.” Perhaps it’s the thrill of doing something so far outside my comfort zone. Maybe I get off to that. I am an actor, after all, and performing is never not terrifying for me. I am constantly doing things that don’t match up with how the world perceives me.

Living with social anxiety as a journalist looks like sweating all throughout a pitch meeting, taking hours to read email replies because I worry I sounded stupid in my initial message, sighing with relief when the source wants to do an email interview, and wincing through the awkwardness of having to think of a response after a source has been speaking for ten minutes straight.

I cringe at how painfully fake I sound when trying to show empathy as someone becomes emotional while sharing a story of trauma. Like, I really am a kind and caring person, I swear, but when I talk, nothing sounds genuine.

I always have to know exactly what I want to say long before I say it, or else it comes out as a jumble of choppy disconnected sentences. But in interviews, you can’t always predict what questions you will ask, or when you’ll ask them.

Some days it feels like I am cheating my way through this journalism thing. I worry the quality of my stories suffer because of my social incompetence.

I am consistently haunted by a fear that has plagued me since grade school: that social anxiety will always keep my life small. A journalist is bold and adventurous; the world is theirs.

But social anxiety isn’t entirely a journalist’s kryptonite. Socially anxious people are observant and detail-oriented, two traits that are critical for journalists. The upside of spending time worrying about what others think is that we are considering the feelings of those around us. Studies have shown that people with social anxiety are more empathetic and have a better understanding of others’ emotions. Empathy is so important in a career where people from all walks of life trust you with their stories and vulnerability.

I think my struggle to build connections is part of what drew me into a career where talking to new people is an everyday task. It’s not the same as organically striking up a conversation with another passenger on an airplane or a fellow owner in the dog park. But it’s connection. And without the circumstances that facilitate that connection (the story I’m writing), I have very little chance of having that kind of conversation otherwise.

You can search for your dream job based on your Myers-Briggs type and hope to find something tolerable, but careers are less about finding a ‘personality’ fit and more about what you want. There’s no one archetype for journalists, and that was clear before I even started writing this.

 

Google the words “social anxiety journalist” and Reddit threads where veteran reporters promise newbies “it gets easier the more you do it” and personal essays of triumph come up in the results. Passion drives us to overcome the challenges social anxiety presents us with again and again.

Ashley Broadwater is a freelance journalist who covers relationships, sex, and mental health. Like me, Ashley also struggles with calling sources. “I worry I’m bothering sources or asking too much of them. When I’m feeling anxious in these situations, sometimes my stomach will hurt or my body will shake.”

Despite the extra challenges, Ashley is happy with her work.

“‘I joke with my partner about how it’s funny that I have social anxiety yet chose a career where I have to put myself out there constantly.” She copes with her social anxiety with the help of her friends, therapist, and partner. When Ashley is feeling overwhelmed, she turns to dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills.

“One skill I love is the acronym ACCEPTS: activities, contributing, comparisons, emotions, pushing away, thoughts, and sensations. I mostly rely on activities like distracting myself with word puzzles, comparisons, which involves thinking about what makes me proud of myself, and emotions, which means doing something that makes me feel good, like watching TikTok or having a snack.”

Journalism may seem like an odd career choice for Ashley and I, but it actually makes a lot of sense. The nature of this work serves as a great way to help people overcome social anxiety, says Lindsey Pace, LCSW of Evercare Counseling.

“If the physical sensations of social anxiety are getting in the person’s way at work, then we want to actively provoke these sensations both at work and outside of work to allow our brain to become accustomed to them and eventually get bored and stop setting off the alarms,” Lindsey said.

So yes, making that doctor’s appointment over the phone or reaching out to a friend first counts as practice for work. Triggering your social anxiety outside of work in a low-stakes environment is key, because everything should be gradual.

“Working with any kind of phobia is all about gradually leading you up to doing the thing you fear the most,” said Wayne Kessler, a career coach who works with people with social anxiety. He suggests visualizing a situation before you even begin to practice talking through it, and using progressive relaxation techniques to help calm your anxiety.

Managing your social anxiety as a journalist is all about preparation. “With any sort of interview, I write down what I want to say or ask, and also write down followups. This helps a lot,” said Thomas Hawkins, a journalist and master electrician who runs the Electrician Apprentice HQ website.

I personally give myself a time window for phone calls to make sure I get them out of the way. But sometimes a councilmember calls at 4:30pm and I just have to roll with it. There are some things you cannot prepare for.

 

While the day-to-day work of journalism can feel like torturous exposure therapy, overcoming social anxiety requires self-compassion too. Social anxiety involves cognitive distortions that trick us into thinking we are doing a lot worse than we actually are. Cutting ourselves some slack can take some of the pressure off.

For Ashley, working through the fear means ‘giving in’ to the anxiety sometimes: “I try to find ways to get my work done without making myself unnecessarily anxious; for example, I conduct interviews over email when possible.”

A big social anxiety fear is not saying things quite the way we want to, but we have to remember that we’re the only ones dwelling on how we phrased something.

“Forgive yourself for making mistakes,” Wayne said. “Other people are forgiving and much kinder than your inner critic.”

He acknowledged that low self-esteem is a factor behind social anxiety and that working through that issue first can give you a strong start. “Once [your] confidence goes up, your anxiety goes down,” he said.

Being compassionate in your approach to conquering social anxiety might look like keeping positive affirmations posted on your laptop or around your desk. Maybe that self-kindness is rewarding yourself with an overpriced latte for a story well done.

And even with the social anxiety obstacles, my stories are well done. Perhaps I don’t maximize my chances of talking to the few people who are going to give me incredible insight when I’m out talking to the general public. But I take the quotes and research I do have and weave stories out of the material.

My introspective personality leads me to original ideas, which is a gift because sometimes half the battle in journalism is knowing what to pitch.

Sometimes it feels like I am working around my social anxiety, and so what if I am? Not every part of it has to be a secret superpower.

I became a journalist because I wanted to write in the same way that I wanted to act onstage and screen: in a way that might elicit empathy for something that matters.

My social anxiety can get me stuck worrying over what people think, but my goal as a journalist is just to make them care.

 

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